missing you ♥

I’ve constantly fussed at some people how much and what I feel for you, they even get bored of what I mumbled about, but I’ve never been able to find words in my vocabulary or in the dictionary that can fully explain and describe what I feel. There’s this thing that happens; it’s what you do to me, like you manipulate me into feeling this way. It’s physical and emotional feeling and I don’t really understand what it is. It’s not pain, but the absolute opposite. 

Nobody else makes me feel like this; no one else can but you. The only way I can tell you this without confusing myself and therefore definitely confusing you, is to set it out properly so that I won’t ramble into different parts and then start fumbling with words like I normally do.

My stomach. You know the ‘chamber’ (or whatever it’s called) where you put your clothes in a washing machine and they spin around? (LOL) That’s what my stomach does when you’re close to me or we’re only two; but it’s a full load of rainbow coloured clothing. Sometimes it gets tight and compresses until the greatest level of pleasure-stress so it feels as if it’s going to explode. I get really flustered and my tummy feels warm and often like liquid or soft wool. That’s when I become flimsy and half-conscious like a teddy bear.

My chest. My heart doesn’t beat fast when I speak to you, it just stops. I literally can’t feel my heartbeat anymore, but I know it’s there. My collar bones tingle every time we chat and I just think of your fingers and hand and when you touch my hair, all my bones = *died*. My lungs tighten and expand; putting pressure on my ribs so I feel like my insides will implode. When you hug me and kiss my forehead, the time stops moving and I feel like the universe become so quiet in a sudden. When you say certain things to me, those sweet and amorous words, yes I can feel my heart, but it sinks deep into my belly, beats and then rises and starts growing bigger and warmer until I’m in tears of happiness. Sometimes, when my heart does beat, it pulses so deep in my chest that it shakes my whole body right to my fingertips.  “This heart, its beats, beats for only you. My heart is yours”.

My whole body. My body, mainly my back is under your control. When we’re together, even when we’re in a crowded, I just feel like we’re only two. When you’re with me I don’t go numb, I just lose possession of self control. You could pin me to the floor or send me into spasms. Your touch is so gentle and warm; it’s a lovely and tender poison that makes me fly. You suffocate me in a heavenly way and when you whisper certain words on my ear, you make my spine tense and I have to restrict myself from curving into a ball and losing myself in a dream of your words and your voice. I become aware of absolutely every sensation throughout my limbs. Whether it’s the sheet draped over my leg or my head that’s elevated by a pillow, I can feel them in the deepest detail, thanks to you and your considerately manipulative words.

The reason for the way I feel is quite simple; your voice mesmerizes me. Go ahead and hate your own voice, you may think it’s stupid, but I love it. You could talk forever and I’d just listen with a gentle smile on my face. Your voice can put me to sleep and it’s just so adorably cute and delicate and soft like a red ribbon that constantly runs through my veins because I can never stop replaying your voice in my head. 

Whenever I think of you or dream of you or wonder what we could do tomorrow and in the future, whenever we talk even for the shortest time, when I talk to you on the phone and hear your lullaby, when you call me ‘sweetheart’ or ‘darling’, when you say things about me that boost my confidence, when you say things about us and our dreams, when we talk about what will happen to us and what we will do when you come, when we talk about you coming here in general, you yourself just make me feel amazing. We’ve been through so much and you’re so wise. You always know what to say and when to say it, you understand things you really shouldn’t and not in the negative ways. You have such an advance in life, and you make me proud. You’re a beautiful person, inside and out even when you don’t realize it; and you’re so charming and irresistible and genuine and unlike anyone or anything else. . .

But mostly, when you say 3 simple words, the world stops rotating. This applies especially over the phone. You speak those 3 words and my heart plays up, my stomach explodes, my knees melt, my chest implodes and my body constricts. Those three words kill me in the best way possible. I could cry, I could laugh, I stop thinking, I stop breathing. Those three words, and my desire to hear you saying them, drive me insane. The walls fall down and the world collapses around me and it wouldn’t matter. The delight and pulsations that vibe through my nerves when you speak those three simple words which are so complicated and intertwined. . . the only thing that even matters to me when those words are said, is you and I. The words are so unique and when I hear it from you, they echo in my ears and my mind and they’re so special. There are many reasons you make me feel these ways, but mostly, when you say “I love you”.

God, I’ve already got one page. I should have finished my UAS problem set tonight. Yet, my brain has become so dumb when I’m missing you. I put my hands back and lay on my bed thinking of you and it’s just not enough. I’ve been trying to say this and it took almost all hours when we’re apart to write. I could still write on and on. I felt I really needed to get it off my chest so those people can have some peace and quiet now. 

You have control over everything I feel. No, I’m not you and I don’t want to be you. Yes I can still control myself, but I give in and hand my willpower to you in an instant. It’s pleasurable being moved by you, my moods, my tears, my joy, my breathing. . . you could take it all away and send it right back again. You have every power I possess and even don’t possess over myself. I’d be your puppet, your teddy bear with strings. Lead me in pains direction and it would still be bliss, because you have this way of making everything okay, you have ability to make everything seems completely fine although it’s the absolute opposite. You should be happy you’re the only person on this earth who can do this to me. So, my dear, I finally said it. 

You could take this the right or the wrong way; we all have different perceptions but just you know, everything I’ve said is true. Yeah, and it’s all because of you. I just wanted you to know just how much you affect me and my life, and just some of many things you do that affect me. You’re a part of me; you’re a half of my life.

mas indra, I love you. (♥▿♥)

love, trust, woman, man, forever

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That was 1,300 words exactly, and still not enough to tell you how much I love you. I could write for years :D

Please,, come to me now. It’s almost empty 27 hours I have spent in my whole life without you. . . 

P.S. you know, my mas, when I read these back again, I found my writing’s a bit exaggerated. Hahaa.. but it doesn’t matter, because everything which has something to do with love and feeling will always inflate. I suppose that everyone who’s in love will feel the same way like I do, especially when they miss someone they love. After all, I wrote these by heart. This is a frankly-saying essay :p

love, trust, woman, man, games, striped, couple

♥♥♥LOVE U ♥♥♥

Eh tiba” mas nelpon barusan! Ya ampuuun pas bgt jd nyata deh apa yg aq tulis 

18^th nov 2010